Guide to survive in Morganville
by Tezzinator
Summary: This is a guide full of one shots and rule lists that tell you how to survive in Morganville. If you think you've got what it takes to live in Morganville, you may want to know what this has to tell you before you go.
1. Rule 1

Hey all. I'm back with another rule list for you all. But this one is a tad different…

I hope you all enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the Morganville characters (Including Myrnin ) Except for my character, Cecile

* * *

**Rule #1 **_Don't scream "Vampire" in the middle of the Uni_.

Yeeah, Funny story that…

I was at the Glass house sneaking a bottle of O negative when Shane waltz in and announced he had the mother of all dares for me to do.

"Oh yeah? What is it then?" I asked setting my half drunk bottle on the counter.

He snickered. "Ok, this is going to be funny as hell right?" He said plonking down on a chair at the table. "You go into the Uni and in the middle of the school you should yell out 'vampire' and point to some random dude." He paused to see my reaction, which I didn't give him the pleasure. I silently mulled over this with a straight face looking at him. This dare that he had given me; it was more dramatic than the one I had given him. He only had to shake a Cola can before he gave it to Michael.

"You do know that breaks a hell of a lot a rules." I said folding my arms.

"Aw c'mon. You can't back out of a dare." He reminded me and made a failed attempt at trying to do the Bambi eyes at me. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Oh alright,"

"Yuss!" He jumped up and fist pumped the air.

"But if I get caught, I'm blaming you." I warned him. That made him shut up.

"Hey, what's happening?" Claire walked in and turned on the coffee.

"Nothing much babe." Shane assured her and wrapped her in a sickly sweet hug. Then they started kissing.

"Guys, not while I'm in the room ok? You're giving me diabetes just looking at you."

Claire rolled her eyes and stepped out of the embrace. "So what brings your lovely mood here to brighten our day?" She asked me.

"Nothing much really, I was just gunna leave. Nice seeing you." I said and picked up my bottle and turned to the direction of the back door. I heard one of them clear their throat. I looked back to see Shane looking at me intently.

_Don't forget your dare. _I heard his thought. "The weather's going to be over cast today Cecile. Wanna go watch the zoo animals at the Uni?" He asked me. Claire pushed him with disgust written all over her face. The sudden attack surprised Shane.

"Oh, not meaning you Claire Bear." He smiled to her innocently. I didn't stay to see if Claire forgave him or not, I retreated before I had to see anymore mushy stuff.

Shane had been right, for once. It was over cast today and that made it easier for me to get around.

"Hey! Wait up!" I heard from behind me. I took another swig of my drink and stopped for Shane to catch up.

"Took you long enough." I said beginning to walk again.

"Well you didn't exactly give me a chance with your Sucker speed." He objected. I chuckled and walked with him to the Uni.

"So you're serious about this then?"

"Dead sure." He said, and then chuckled. I rolled my eyes at his immature humour.

It wasn't long 'till we reached the fenced off grounds of the school. I gulped in dread, my nerves finally kicked in. Amelie will kill me for this. I was already in her bad books from being created by her father. This will certainly be asking her for a death wish.

I didn't realise Shane was looking at me 'till he said, "Having second thoughts?" with his arms folded smugly.

I scrunched up my face. "Pffft No." I lied.

"Alright then." He said and dragged me closer to the gate. "You used to go to this Uni. So there won't be any problems for you to get in." He told me as if it were a mission plan.

"Sure. Ok, so explain to me how I get past the people who know I don't attend the school anymore?"

"That one's up to you missy." And with that he pushed me in the direction of the courtyard in the middle of the grounds. I looked back over my shoulder to him wearily. He gave me eager thumbs up and moved to another location where he could watch the show better. I gulped and gingerly stepped further into the school grounds.

It was lunch time, so everyone was either at the school's café or eating outside. Watching them devour their meals reminded me of my bottle. I took the last sip out of it and threw the waste bottle into the bin.

I tried to spy someone alone, my victim who I would accuse of being a Vampire. There was a dude with sun glasses standing with his back against a pillar that was holding up a sheltering walkway. Why he needed sun glasses? I wasn't about to snoop through his mind to find out that was for sure.

I walked up to him and smiled. He lowered his glasses down to get a better look at me.

"Hi." I said nicely. He grunted in return.

"Umm," I kicked a rock from under my shoe. I looked back up to him, he clearly wasn't listening to me. Now was my chance.

"Vampire!" I screamed and pointed to the guy. I took a couple steps back and screamed again to make it believable. The guy lifted his glasses onto his head.

"What the heck are you on about?" He asked me. "What are you? Some kind of freak?"

"Vampire! Run!" I screamed and hi tailed it out of there.

I didn't pay any attention to the perplexed faces that watched me go, I just kept running. When I was out of sight from the humans I picked up the pace to an abnormal speed. I nearly tripped over Shane who was nearly on the ground laughing. He lifted up his hand for a hi-5 which I kindly gave him. I waited 'till he got his breath again.

"I'm never doing anything like that, _ever _again." I told him after he swallowed and had the strength to look to me. I watched as his eyes grew a fraction wider and his face turn a shade lighter. I was going to ask him if he was ok, that if he had just seen a ghost when a hand tapped me on the shoulder.

"Cecile? A word." Came Oliver's voice from behind me.


	2. Rule 2

Hey all, another rule for you. I hope you listen to the warnings and never try these at home.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Morganville. But I do own Cecile

* * *

**Rule #2 **_Don't make fun of the Vampires._

I've done this on many occasions, and I advise you not to try this yourself.

I first did this with Michael.

We were playing on Shane's X-box late at night when everybody else was asleep.

"Time out! Time out!" Michael said when I was one more kill away from winning.

"Sore loser!" I accused and tossed my controller onto the couch cushion next to me.

"So what if I am?" he snapped back.

"Are your Vampire reflexes failing on you, or are you getting too old?" I asked teasingly. If looks could kill, Michael would have murdered the whole neighbourhood and more.

"Sorry man." I said with raised hands in surrender. "Hey you thirsty?"

"I could kill for a drink."

I laughed and wandered into the kitchen. I retrieved two bottles of A-negative from the cool, frosty depths of the fridge and quietly padded my way back into the lounge. I was so quiet in fact that Michael hadn't turned around to throw a comeback at me. I took the chance to toss a bottle to him. Everything went into slow motion. The bottle flew. It got closer and closer and Michael still hadn't reached out to grab it. It sliced through the air like a hot knife through butter and smacked him right on the back of the head. My hand immediately smacked onto my open mouth. The vampire turned to face me rubbing the back of his head.

"What the heck was that for?" He demanded. I was quiet; I couldn't believe he hadn't caught the bottle.

"Well," I said slowly opening the cap of my own bottle. "That proves it then." I took a swig of the velvet sweetness that lingered within and closed the cap again.

"Proves what?" Michael asked getting confused over the situation.

"That you're an old fart Vampire whose reflexes are failing on him."

The next events happened so fast –_Vampire speed_- that I'll explain them to you in human, I mean normal speeds.

Michael's eyes flashed red and a low growl came from deep within his throat. My hand released my beverage and it began it's descent to the floor. Michael burst over top of the couch which the force from that tipped the whole seat completely. I turned to race through the kitchen door. Michael, touching the floor, charged after me. I burst through the back door and out into the cool night air. Michael rushed out after me with his eyes still glowing. I tripped up on a root of the tree and landed hard onto the rough surface. He pounced on top of me and pinned me to the ground. His fangs were elongated and my fearful pants for air were the only sound between us. I looked into his angered eyes just as I heard my bottle thud to the floor.

"Sorry?" I squeaked.

Another time was when I was in Common Grounds.

I was sitting up at the counter and was waiting for a coffee that Eve had said that I had to try out. Oliver was making it of course, and I wasn't looking forward to it.

He plonked the paper cup onto the bench in front of me making the contents slosh around.

"Thanks." I said, but I got no reply from the old fart. Looking at the cup that had been firmly given to me gave me an idea for payback.

"What are you thinking Cecile? You've got that look about you again." Eve asked when she had a chance to glimpse at me from where she was at the coffee machine.

"Oh, nothing really." I replied taking the cap off of the cup. "Nothing at all."

"Uh huh. I'll believe that sentence of yours when Vampires go vegetarian."

Oh Eve, she knew me too well already.

I took a swig of the brown liquid and tried to taste whatever Eve was bragging about. To be honest it burnt my tongue so I didn't get a chance to taste it. I wasn't really a fan of coffee anyway; it always made my head feel funny.

I swallowed it quick and made a disgusted sound. It got Oliver's attention and Eve's.

Eve came over to look into the cup; Oliver calmly came too only to cross his arms in front of me.

"What did you say?" he ordered.

"I said, it tastes like dirt." I said to him looking straight into his grey eyes.

His whole face turned into a snarl and Eve was sloshing the drink around to find the problem.

"Hey dude." I said before things could get ugly. "This is the part where you're meant to say, 'What do you expect? It was ground this morning.'"

I didn't need to get told to get out of his shop, the face said it all.


	3. Rules 3 -13

**Rules 3 – 13 are here for you**. Let me know if you want any of these as a one shot :)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Morganville, I only own Cecile

* * *

**#3** _Don't tell Myrnin about the Fullmetal Alchemist._

(He doesn't believe in Transmutation circles)

(And when argued against he threw me through his portal)

**#4** _Do not teach the Vampires Gangnam style._

(All the Vamps were in town square dancing to the song)

(Even Oliver joined in)

(Amelie was not amused)

**#5** _If you want to live, don't call me short!_

(Claire's shorter than me)

(Frank is technically shorter than me)

(Amelie is shorter than me)

(Even Bob is shorter than me!)

(Pick on them for once!)

**#6** _don't change the answers to jokes._

1.Q: what does a Vampire fear most?

A: Amelie

2.Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow?

A: Monica

3.Q: Why do Vampire drink blood?

A: Because Oliver's coffee tastes like dirt!

**#7** _Smuggling in outside Vampire stories is banned._

(Asking Michael if he sparkles when he goes into sunlight wasn't smart)

(Lesbian vampires don't exsist)

(We don't get marked by Nyx to become a Vampyre)

(We don't have a pravis)

(and we certainly don't turn into bats. Although that would be cool)

(Who found all that stuff anyway?)

**#8 **_Don't give Myrnin a hair curling iron._

(He didn't know how to use it at first)

(But when I left him alone for an hour to get him doughnuts…)

(Let's just say his hair looked like Medusa's)

**#9 **_Leave whatever books I have left alone_

(They are mine and mine alone)

(If Myrnin ever asks for one again push him back through the portal)

(He lost the last one he borrowed)

(I miss my Sherlock Holmes book)

**#10 **_The portals are for emergency use only._

"Claire, can you pick me up a candy bar?" –Shane

"Can you find me my glasses?" –Myrnin (Claire found them across town)

**#11**_ Don't tape the doors to the blood bank._

(That was funny!)

(Shane and I stood outside the door acting like a chemical spill happened inside)

(All the vampires went without blood for two days)

(You wouldn't want to be around cranky, thirsty vampires…)

(Bad things happen)

**#12 **_Don't do the "Evil monkey In My Closet" Look to Oliver._

(The poor guy was wondering what on earth was happening)

(His customers weren't amused)

(I sure as hell was)

**#13 **_pretending to be a fly is bad._

(Don't ask)

* * *

**The joke's actual answers:** 1 tooth decay; 2 A hamburger that bites back; 3 because coffee keeps them awake all day.


	4. Rule 14

By request, a rule involving Amelie just for you I hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Cecile no one else from Morganville Vampires

* * *

**#14 **_Using your power to win arguments is frowned upon._

I had been summons to the founder's office. God knows what for though. So being the good lil New-born that I was I headed over there in the early hours of dawn so not to be caught by the rays of morning light. Getting into the office was a piece of cake, but trying to find out what she wanted me for was like trying to get gold out of pumas. I gingerly went through the Founder's office door and softly closing it behind me. She was sitting angelic like on her big chair behind her desk. She ever so slightly gestured for me to take a seat.

"Uhh, hi Founder?" I hesitantly said. "What is it today?"

Her expression didn't give away any feelings she felt, heck she didn't express any emotion.

"Cecile word has gotten to me that you've been causing more mischief around the town. Is this true?" I couldn't believe she could sit so still as she said this. Why was I beginning to feel like I was in the principal's office?

"Maybe." I said looking to my feet, which in fact were wearing shoes. A cute pair of yellow canvas shoes to be exact.

"Well?" the founder asked me.

"S-sorry, beg your pardon?" I asked caught by surprise, I really need to stop daydreaming.

The founder sighed and sat back into her chair. "I will ask once more. What do you mean by 'maybe'? How could you possibly 'may have' caused trouble?"

"Who's saying this?" I interrupted her. She looked at me with those ice eyes of hers. Well if she wasn't going to tell me…

I reached out with my mind, searching for her whispered thoughts.

_Who's saying this? She asks. Who should I start with? Oliver and the comments he's received. Or Myrnin and his weird jokes he's coming up with all of a sudden. Perhaps the case in which she and Shane locked everyone out of the blood bank?_

I tried to hide my frown. That little snitch, I told Myrnin not to tell the Founder those jokes!

"If its Oliver saying these lies well he did bring it on himself. He couldn't take a joke! Myrnin never heard those jokes from me, he_ told _me the jokes. Oh and that little incident with the blood bank, that was just a joke. Don't you Vampires have a sense of humour?"

"We do, but not for immature behaviour like yours."

"Now look here missy!" I said getting up from my seat. "I may be as immature as the next 17 year old, but that doesn't mean I have to be punished for it."

She sat there contemplating what I had just said. Well, I thought she was anyway.

"Calm yourself. I agree, you are as immature as the next 17 year old,"

"Hey!"

"And I know for a fact that other teenagers around town have acted as such, so I think I'll let this one slide. But no more fooling around now Cecile, you're a Vampire of course. Vampire's are feared of and treated with respect in this town, we don't want some 'immature 17 year old' ruining that for the rest of us."

I sat back down in the chair with a frustrated frown. _She's still calling me immature. Me and my big mouth._

"Thank you Founder." I said respectfully to her. I didn't want to ruin whatever sweetness she has for me.

"Do call me Amelie." She said casually. "I seem to think that there is no need for you to call me by my formal title any longer."

"What?" I asked before she could take her next breath. "I've known you for how long and you're just telling me this now?"

"My dear, I would have thought you already knew-"

"Already knew!?" I stood up again. "How could I have already known?"

"Now now Cecile, don't get all worked up over this."

I realised what she was meaning. She thought that I would've used my ability to find out personal information.

"I would never do such a thing! Personal information is for the individual only. My mother taught me better than to snoop around other people's business."

"Alright Cecile, calm down. I apologise for the misunderstanding."

An apology? From the Founder? A smug smile spread onto my face.

"What is it?" She asked me. "Why are you smiling?"

"_Apology _accepted. _Amelie_." I said formally bowing to her for my departure. "If there is nothing more I shall be leaving now." I turned to head to the exit, sometimes it's best to leave when the option is open to you.

"There is one more matter that needs taking care of."

_Damn it. _"Yes Founder?" I asked polity turning back to face her again.

"Two in fact." Her expression changed then, but only slightly. And that slight change made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. "Don't read my mind again to turn a conversation around." She said sternly.

"Yes ma'am." _But I'm not promising anything…_

She nodded in satisfaction. "Now that that's out of the way. I've found a house for you to acquire."

"Go on." I said. This seemed rather suspicious to me. If she offered a Founder house, I knew for a fact that the founder houses around town were _her _houses and that the portals can reach you there. This could be another way for her to keep a watchful eye on me, maybe come and ambush me to serve my time for all the wrong doings I've done. I wasn't liking the sound of this…

"A founder house on the next block over from the Glass house."

I froze, this could not be happening.


	5. Rule 15

A few queries have popped up, who is Cecile? What's her character? How long has she been a Vampire? _SHE'D BETTER NOT BE WITH SHANE!_

I will clear things up for you :) Cecile is my OC (Original character) and she's not in any of the Morganville books. **Please read 'Deadly Morganville'** (My story) to get to know Cecile and understand what's happening in this rule list, I think that might help clear things up for you. There's a teeny tiny bit of info about Cece on my profile. This is a rule list that I'm making in Cecile's perspective, so don't sweat the small stuff :D And last but not least – this'll make you happy – Cecile and Shane don't and never will have a thing for each other. You have my word that Cecile will never come between Shane and Claire. They're only friends :)

Now, to get onto the long waited _rule #15! _I had a request that there should be more of Claire and Shane… here's a Claire rule for you :D

Much like before and forever more, I do not own Morganville or it's residents. I only own the crazy, fun loving, serious when she wants to be Cecile :)

* * *

**#15 **_Watch out for the small people, their bite and bark are huge!_

I'm not speaking of midgets or elves, even though they're kind of cute. I'm speaking of smaller people, Short individuals, the shorter straw of society. In other words, not me. Take Claire for example. She's petite young woman and is kind of a party pooper. She can fit in the sneaky cupboard behind the pantry. (Yes I know about it Glass!) And because of her height she weighs the same as a feather. Well, not exactly a feather but you get the picture. Oh one more thing, she's shorter than me. So no more short jokes Collins! I often question Claire's mind power because, well, how can a body of that size hold that much information? She even has little ears… Because of this disadvantage she has trouble reaching for items up high…

I was in the supertte in town. It was a sunny Wednesday… Anyway I was in there because I had nothing better to do, so snooping around the junk food aisle one the first things that came to mind. Practising my mind reading skills was the second. I was browsing the chocolate biscuits when I heard something topple over in the aisle behind them. Some colourful muttered words were spoken too. My curiosity rose, who could that have been. The only possibilities –without reading any thoughts- were either a store keeper having trouble stacking, and older woman knocked something over, or a short person was climbing the shelves. I chuckled at the thought of a midget climbing the shelves. I debated whether or not to see if the person needed any help, I was about to walk away when the ghost of my human nature got the better of me and I had to see if whoever it was needed any assistance. I rounded the corner and blow me down it _was_ a short person. But I would never say that out loud.

"Hey Claire." I said cheerfully. "Are you alright?" I asked that you see because she was on her knees picking up tins of baked-beans.

"Hmm? Oh hey Cece, yeah I'm good."

I folded my arms in disbelief. "Now someone on their knees in the middle of a food store isn't someone who's 'good'. Do want some help?"

She took a second to answer; she was probably trying to figure out what I wanted. All I wanted was some harmless fun.

"Yeah, ok." She finally said. I got down to her level and helped pick up the last couple cans.

"What were you doing with this amount of baked-beans?" I asked as I was getting back to my feet. I was positive her place had enough of that sort of stuff.

"It wasn't the beans I was after." She said straightening a can so the label was visible. "It was the spaghetti." She looked up and glared at the shelf.

"Can't you-" I began to say while I was off with the fairies but I realised I didn't want to finish that.

"Can't I what?" She snapped.

I quickly surrendered to the argument that was about to start. "No, nothing. I didn't say anything."

She huffed and tried to reach the cans that were out of her reach.

"No don't be silly, you'll make another mess. Here let me." I offered and tried to reach.

"That won't do any good; you're the same height as me." Claire said.

_Oh, but that's where you're wrong hobbit._

I grabbed a can, using my tippy toes of course but I still got it nonetheless. I handed it to Claire who was standing there in a grump.

"I suppose…" I began carefully. "Geniuses aren't always right?"

"Cecile!" Claire grumbled. I began to laugh and took a step back.

"Yes Claire?" I asked innocently after I wiped the tear threatening to run away from my eye.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't laughing at you." I said sincerely, "It's just, your ears." I attempted to change the topic from the war zone.

"What about them?"

"They're so little." I giggled again. My smile dropped when I saw Claire's face go red. I knew then that I was in for trouble.

The next night when I was over for dinner, my food was tainted with strong garlic and I saw Claire's silver stake lying by the stairs…


	6. Rules 16 - 25

Hey y'all! It is I Tezzinator (Alchest Craze) with another segment for you all. Thank you for all the lovely reviews and do keep them coming I enjoy reading your feedback and suggestions for new rules!

Here's a rule list #16 to #25.

Sobia I couldn't think up a one shot for your idea, but I have included it into this list :) I hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: ** I don't own Morganville or the residents, I only own Cecile.

* * *

**#16:** Don't alter the switches on Myrnin's computer.

(Everyone acted as if they were children again)

(It was frustrating to have a conversation with anyone)

(and being mayor over a bunch of babies was no fun)

(now, how to turn it back?)

**#17**: always knock on closed doors.

(I've been scarred many times)  
(Bedroom doors are ALWAYS to be knocked on. You don't want to catch anything naughty going on…)

(Bathroom doors. Because you never know if someone's in there or not)

(And cupboard doors. I didn't know People were playing hide-and-seek)

**#18** Don't eves drop at the bathroom door.

(some things are funny like Claire talking to herself while brushing her teeth)

(And some are just gross)

(I know what you're thinking… and no.)

(Oh and don't eves drop when Eve is singing in the shower. My ears were bleeding!)

**#19** don't ask for fights.

(Shane, not everyone likes to fight)  
(So stop asking me)

(Everyone knows I'll win)

**#20** Don't punch humans.

(It makes a mess)  
(And such a waste)

(What? Shane was getting annoying)

(He never asked again)

**#21** Don't make me angry.

(You won't like me when I'm angry)

(Though I don't turn green..)

(But had cover books will be thrown)

**#22** 20Q can be beaten!

(It doesn't know Santa Clause!)

(Or Claire's big toe!)

**#23** Wasgij are Michael's weakness

(It took him a week to finish the boarder)

(And another week to find the woman's face)

(Or was it a man?)

(To make it worse Miranda kept hiding the pieces.)

**#24** Bob must stay in his cage.  
(I got him out and had him on my hand)

(Claire started sqealing and running away from me)

(Myrnin came with another spider on his shoulder)

(Turned out to be the real Bob)

**#25** The movie Twilight is banned.

(Myrnin liked the sparkles)

(It gave him ideas)

(Oliver was disgusted by their diets)

(He then began to write hate mail)


End file.
